Let Me Put U On to ‘CTRL’ by SZA

In our weekly series, “Let Me Put U On,” the UATL team shares the stories, places and experiences that continue to resonate long after we first discovered them. Some things are simply too good to keep to ourselves.

There are albums you just casually listen to, and there are some that seem to grow up with you.

R&B singer SZA’s 2017 debut album “CTRL,” was that album for me because when I think about Black girlhood, I think about all the juxtapositions.

Like wanting to be seen, but fearing vulnerability, or craving independence while secretly wishing someone would choose you anyway. SZA never tried to find the solution, she just let those contradictions exist.

AJC Intern K'mari Greene.

When I first listened to the album, I was 14 years old in middle school. Your average Black girl with braces, natural afro-puffs and glasses that were too small for my face. Of course, I wanted hundreds of friends. Of course, I wanted to be seen and wanted by boys.

But more than anything, I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin.

Listening to “CTRL” made my freshly teenage heart swell. The way she sang about insecurity without being apologetic, and heartbreak — which I hadn’t really experienced yet of course — without pretending to be healed. It made me feel like there was another side to life.

I think for so many Black girls, but myself in particular, CTRL became permission to be unfinished as I got older. It reminds me that I didn’t have to have all the answers at 14, and I still don’t seven years later.

It’s OK for me to overthink, make mistakes, romanticize everyone and everything in life and still find my way back to who I am.

Even now, I go back to “CTRL” because it reminds me that growth is not one straight line. The album feels like a conversation with a younger me, who was certain I’d have life figured out by now. I think one of SZA’s greatest gifts is her ability to make being uncertain feel beautiful.

When a young AJC Intern K'mari Greene, was trying to discover herself, she turned to singer-songwriter SZA's 2017 album, "Ctrl." The album is still influencing her.

So for now, I’m OK being “Miss 20-something” because I’m surrounded by grace, even on the days I neglect to extend it to myself.